User blog:Awesomesix/Total Drama ERB S2E01: Another Pilot, Eh?
Today's episode is brought to you by Fire, Wonder, not Tux and I. Contains Raphael flirting with Cleopatra. The end, Episode Nice Peter: Hi, my name is Nice Peter, and welcome to the Monday Show! EpicLLOYD: Really? Again? First day of shooting for the new season and you already mess it up. Nice Peter: I only did that to screw with you. EpicLLOYD: Whatever. Nice Peter: Anyways, welcome, viewers, to an exciting new season! EpicLLOYD: Last season on Total Drama ERB, Napoleon Dynamite and Darth Vader faced off, bringing in armies from throughout time in a fight to the death. Sorta. Nice Peter: That is, until Darth Vader took off his helmet and revealed the biggest twist yet; that he was actually Adolf Hitler! EpicLLOYD: In the end, Napoleon Dynamite and his buddies all fought off against Adolf Hitler and his Nazi army until their brains overpowered his brawns, and he was sent off in a barrel. And then eaten by a weird shark thing. I don’t know, it was Edison’s. Nice Peter: It’s been an entire year of cleaning here on this island since then. EpicLLOYD: Although, it feels like it’s only been about 3 months… Nice Peter: And man, have we been through a lot since then. EpicLLOYD: No, we haven’t. Nice Peter: Shut up. EpicLLOYD: Our employees have been. Nice Peter: Oh, right, yeah! They’ve all been hard at work cleaning the island after the war at the end of Season 1. *The scene cuts to Gandhi hoarding salt away from Edgar Allan Poe, Michael Jackson moonwalking, and Mikhail Gorbachev snorting Kool-Aid mix, Hulk Hogan and Macho Man chugging beer, and Neil deGrasse Tyson twerking.* EpicLLOYD: Oh, we’ve also gotten some new employees to help out. Michael Jackson, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Neil deGrasse Tyson are our newest interns, while Edgar Allan Poe is essentially replacing the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come as a cook. You may remember them all from the first season. Or not. Nice Peter: Oh, and Napoleon Dynamite is going to be staying with us on the island while Edgar Allan Poe is working off his time. EpicLLOYD: What exactly is he working off? Nice Peter: Well, Yet to Come was meant to be working with us a while longer, but then he merged with Poe for some reason. EpicLLOYD: Weren’t they essentially the same person? Nice Peter: Who cares? Anyways, we’re really excited to be back in an all-new season, and we can assure you that this one will be even more thrilling than the last! EpicLLOYD: Not only will we be bringing in fresh, new contestants to compete this season, but we’ll also be bringing in some contestants from our first season to return in an attempt to redeem their pathetic selves for a second chance! Nice Peter: And here they are, arriving by boat. *A boat, driven by Goku, rolls up to the docks, the contestants walking off of the boat.* Nice Peter: Please, let us all warmly welcome back to…uhh…this place; Al Capone, William Wallace, Kanye West, Justin Bieber, Mr. T, Bob Ross, Joan of Arc, Sarah Palin, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Cleopatra, and Marilyn Monroe! Joan of Arc: Didn’t Justin Bieber say he didn’t want to return? *The camera pans to Justin Bieber, who is strapped in a straight jacket and tied to a dolly.* Nice Peter: Eh, we needed another male to balance out you guys returning. Justin Bieber was the only one suitable, so we kidnapped him and stuffed him into a straight jacket. Al Capone: *elbows Cleopatra* The only thing straight about him. Cleopatra: Haha, nice. Justin Bieber: Haha, fuck off. EpicLLOYD: Plus, who doesn’t want to see him get pushed around without any ability to fight back? Justin Bieber: …wait, you mean I’m going to be stuck in this thing all season?! Miley Cyrus: Oh, this is going to be fun. I’ve been waiting too long to get my revenge on you. Like how Anakin Skywalker wanted to get revenge on Darth Vader! Captain Kirk: Actually…it was Luke…not Anakin. Anakin Skywalker was…who Darth Vader was, and he…was…also Luke’s father. You see- Nice Peter: Oh, hey! Our newcomers are finally here! Introducing… Captain Kirk, Rick Grimes, Mario and Luigi, Princess Peach, Gorgo, Donatello, Raphael, John Lennon, Hillary Clinton, Skrillex, and Doctor Who! Doctor Who: Actually, if you don’t mind, it’s just the Doc- EpicLLOYD: I do mind. You’re Doctor Who now. Anyways! Welcome, new contestants! Nice Peter: This season will be a lot more risky than last season! Al Capone: What does that mean? Rick Grimes: Great, leave home to hear this… Nice Peter: Because those old, cozy, lovely houses from last season… Cleopatra: Oh, those were alright, could’ve been better. Skrillex: Uh, dudette, didn’t you peeps build them? Yeah? Cleopatra: Well, I, for one, didn’t. Nice Peter: Well they’re gone! Justin Bieber: Fuck. EpicLLOYD: They were broken last time by some twerk crazed girl and her two friends. William Wallace: Blame the victim, will ya? EpicLLOYD: So, instead… Raphael: Do we get like, some co-ed bedroom or some shit? That’d be sweet. *Raphael winks at Cleopatra and nudges her, much to her annoyance.* Donatello: Don’t listen to him, Cleo. He’s kind of a child at heart… Cleopatra: Did someone just speak to me? Raphael: Heh heh…dude, that was cold. Skrillex: Yeah, dude… John Lennon: Dude… EpicLLOYD: Will you “dudes” shut up? Why can I never finish my thoughts? So, instead, you will, after teams are decided, be living in cabins in the woods. One large, mansion of a cabin, and one that looks like an outhouse on steroids. John Lennon: Seems cool. Hillary Clinton: I’m all in! Sarah Palin: Of course ya are, you dumb politician! Bob Ross: Look who’s talking. Joan of Arc: Can it, Sarah. Sarah Palin: Don’t think I forgot about you, mister! Justin Bieber: Can we move on already? My butt itches. *Everyone steps away from Bieber.* Justin Bieber: Oh, like I’d ask you guys to help me. Nice Peter: Well, let’s ignore that gross guy and start putting you into teams. Last time, we put you guys on teams according to who won and who lost their battles. Mr. T: Which you still never explained, fool! Nice Peter: But that’ll be too predictable if we do it again. So, we’re going to stick you onto teams at random. Let’s see… EpicLLOYD: Al Capone, Cleopatra, Rick Grimes, Mario, Skrillex, Doctor Who, Marilyn Monroe, Mr. T, Sarah Palin, Lady Gaga, Gorgo, and Kanye West on one team. Al Capone: We meet again, Cleo. Kanye West: Are we sure we ain’t splitting it by winners? Because I am on the winning team. Well, they are. I could do this solo. Skrillex: I could, too, bro. I’m an ace baller. Kanye West: Uh, what? Rick Grimes: This seems like it’ll be interestin’. Sarah Palin: It will be, when I kick yer butts, eh! Gorgo: For the love of… EpicLLOYD: Miley Cyrus, Captain Kirk, Bob Ross, John Lennon, William Wallace, Joan of Arc, Hillary Clinton, Justin Bieber, Luigi, Peach, Donatello, and Raphael on the other. John Lennon: Niiice. Captain Kirk: I can…assist us with my…superior intelligence. William Wallace: Are ye calling us dunderheads, ya space Fabio? Captain Kirk: …maybe I…am. EpicLLOYD: Alright, shut up. Now, on to the first challenge; setting up tents. There is a catch, however… Marilyn Monroe: What might that be? Justin Bieber: Oh come on, it’s going to be something dumb. Like, we have to do it blindfolded over sharks or something. Nice Peter: You have to go all the way from this dock….over those hills. Kanye West: Ain’t no hills stopping this beast! *The camera pans over 20 or so giant hills, some with snow on top* (Confessional) Kanye West: Shiiiiiiit… Nice Peter: Have fun walking over those. You have one day. Rick Grimes: Oh, that ain’t cool. Mario: I can do it! Luigi: I can do it better. Raphael: Sure you can. *Luigi hops off to cross the hill, but Mario accidentally Goomba Stomps him, shoving him into a mud puddle* Donatello: Dude, are you alright? Luigi: IMMA WIN! *Luigi runs off after Mario, only to trip on a rock into a beehive* Donatello: Ouch. Raphael: Ha, loser. Donatello: Don’t call him that, we have no clue what he’s been through. Bob Ross: I’m pretty sure he’s been through that beehive. Raphael: I like this guy. Donatello: Jerks. Nice Peter: …oh, right. And…go! *Nice Peter blows a whistle, and everyone starts running.* Mr. T: So, uh, Lady Gaga. We’re on the same team again now, and, uh…it’s really nice to work with you and all again. And stuff. Lady Gaga: That’s sweet of you, but can’t this wait? We’re kind of in the middle of something. Mr. T: I-I know, but, I just really wanted to- Lady Gaga: It’s fine, I understand how you feel. Mr. T: Really? You…you do? (Confessional) Mr. T: Oh, thank you, Lord! Lady Gaga: Of course! I think of you as a wonderfully platonic friend as well! (Confessional) Mr. T: '… ''*The scene switches to Peach, Joan, Ross, and Lennon climbing a steep cliff* Princess Peach: Ugh…this is steep. Bob Ross: Dude…I’m so high… John Lennon: Heh, nice joke. Joan of Arc: We’re like…10 feet above the ground? Bob Ross: Cool… Joan of Arc: Sure it is. You guys just…climb this. John Lennon: Why climb…when we can dig? Joan of Arc: Wait, what? Bob Ross: Sweet save, dude. Joan of Arc: Uh…no, seriously. Dig where? John Lennon: Through the hills, of course. Joan of Arc: You’re kidding. You have to be. Princess Peach: Perhaps there’s a warp pipe around here. Bob Ross: I have some in my pocket, bra. Princess Peach: Ooh! We can use those to- *Joan of Arc slaps Peach’s arm as she reaches to grab one from Ross, who is pulling them out of his pocket* Joan of Arc: Not that kind of pipe, Peach. Don’t trust these guys. With anything. John Lennon: What she said. '''(Confessional) Joan of Arc: Peach is…I don’t know. She has a lot to learn about the real world…or this place. Whatever this is. Princess Peach: Well, now what? We’re stuck. Joan of Arc: Not really, it’s not like we’re-hey, where’d Lennon go? *The scene cuts to Bieber, still by Peter and Lloyd* Nice Peter: So…you gonna do something? Like, walk already? Justin Bieber: I hate you. EpicLLOYD: You’re gonna lo-ose… Justin Bieber: You’re both dicks. Nice Peter: Hey! Miley Cyrus! Miley Cyrus: *comes running back, panting* Yes? What is it? Nice Peter: Be a doll and help escort Bieber here to the other side. Miley Cyrus: …excuse me? And why the hell would I do that? He’s the reason I got voted off last season! The guy abused not only my boyfriend, but pretty much everyone all season! I don’t see why I should- Nice Peter: If you don’t, you’re disqualified. Miley Cyrus: What’re we waiting for? Come along, you little shit. *Miley Cyrus grabs the handles on the dolly Justin Bieber is on and starts wheeling it off.* Miley Cyrus: Trust me, I’m not going to enjoy this either. Justin Bieber: You’re definitely not going to enjoy it when you have to push this over the mountains. Miley Cyrus: …dammit. (Confessional) Justin Bieber: Hehehe…even if I don’t want to be here at all, at least I get to make her life miserable. Miley Cyrus:' ''*outside* Excuse me?' '''Justin Bieber:' …she had to wheel me here. *The scene cuts to Kanye West and Skrillex running by a river* Kanye West (to himself): I am God, nothing can stop me…I am God, no one can top me. I am God- Skrillex: Hey, homie! Kanye West: What the hell you call me? Skrillex: I’m just seeing what’s the haps, bro. Is that cool? Kanye West: Ew, fuck off peasant! Skrillex: Aw. What’s the sitch, slice? Kanye West: Some bitch stalker been calling my pho-wait, why am I talking to you? Skrillex: We are on the same team, dog. Kanye West: Leave my presence, you gross thing! *Kanye West runs faster away from Skrillex, who is sprinting as fast as he can to keep up with Kanye* Skrillex: Wait…who’s the stalker? Maybe I can help! I’m good with talking to homies who won’t back off! Kanye West: Then start talking to yourself! Get away from me! *Kanye darts into the distance as Skrillex leans on a tree to catch his breath* Skrillex: Maybe I should call him again…then he’ll tell me more. Yeah. *The scene cuts to Al Capone, Cleopatra, and Rick Grimes having already arrived at the other end of the series of hills.* Al Capone: Really? Everyone else is still way behind us? Rick Grimes: I suppose they just don’t have the survival instincts that we do. …well, two of us, anyways. Cleopatra: Hey, I get tired easily. Besides, Al doesn’t mind carrying me. Al Capone: Eh, whatever gets us through. You know I wouldn’t abandon you, toots. Cleopatra: You know, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get used to all these new contestants. Rick Grimes: You aren’t used to me yet? Cleopatra: You’re nice and all, but that’s just it. I mean, none of the girls here seem to have anything I can mess with them about. Al Capone: You mean like you did with Eve? Cleopatra: Yeah. I kinda miss her, in a twisted sort of way. She was always fun to screw with. Rick Grimes: Great, I’m stuck with the bad guys. Al Capone: Hey, I resent that! Rick Grimes: Well, you did work with Adolf Hitler, didn’t you? Al Capone: It’s not like we knew it was him. He was always keeping secrets. Plus, after he revealed himself, I thought he went kinda crazy. Cleopatra: Hmm… I suppose Eve and I did share a similar fashion sense… We don’t take attitude from losers, either… Rick Grimes: If you say so. Al Capone: Look, I think you’re cool. It’d be nice to actually get to work alongside you. Cleopatra: And I suppose Al is kind of like Adam. Respectful, a gentleman, take-charge…naïve, too… Al Capone: …is this going somewhere, Cleo? Cleopatra: …huh? Oh, uh…no, no. Was just thinking out loud, I suppose. Whatever. What do we do now? Al Capone: We wait, I suppose. …I just realized that I don’t ever remember any of these hills from last season. Rick Grimes: Maybe they created these mini-mountains over the time between the seasons? Al Capone: Can they do that? Rick Grimes: They’ve got a Super Saiyan and a psychokinetic man at their disposal. Wouldn’t be too surprising. *The scene then cuts back to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus struggling to drag the dolly up along the hills.* Miley Cyrus: Geez, you could stand to lose some weight. Justin Bieber: You could stand to lose your mouth. Now shut up and pull. Miley Cyrus: Be grateful I even agreed to this. *The two continue on, before finding Captain Kirk collapsed in a puddle along a hill slope.* Miley Cyrus: Oh, no! *lets go of Justin Bieber to hurry down and helps Captain Kirk to his feet* Are you alright, teammate? Justin Bieber: SHIT! *starts rapidly rolling down the hill* Captain Kirk: Yes, I am…fine. Walking is…just stressful and tiring…and sweaty. Miley Cyrus: …shit. I should probably go get him. *Miley Cyrus hurries down the hill, helps Justin Bieber after he crashed, and drags him back up along the hill to Captain Kirk.* Justin Bieber: Hooray, nerd fest. …how could you have been in a puddle? It’s dry as hell out here. Captain Kirk: Well, I…did say…sweaty. Miley Cyrus: Ewww. Captain Kirk: I wonder…where the…others are. Justin Bieber: I wonder where the person who taught you to speak is. Miley Cyrus: Don’t be so insensitive, Bieber! It’s not his fault that Applejack’s cereal company outsold his muffins! Justin Bieber: Are we sure it wasn’t you who fell into the beehive? Because I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Captain Kirk: My little…pony, maybe? Justin Bieber: I’m not sure who to be more concerned for for knowing that. But since I lack proper emotions towards you two, I guess neither. Captain Kirk: Captain’s log…I am stuck with…two children… Justin Bieber: Hey! Miley Cyrus: Ooh, is that a diary? Captain Kirk: No…this is not a…diary. Anyways…one of them looks like a girl, and young too… Miley Cyrus: Aw, thank you! Captain Kirk: The other…has a weird…mohawk like haircut…and a fetish for demolition… Justin Bieber: Captain’s log: Your author is an unoriginal dick. Miley Cyrus: Shouldn’t you be speaking into your own diary? Justin Bieber: If I could, I would run you over right now. *The scene transitions to Doctor Who walking up to Rick, Al and Cleo* Doctor Who: Hello-o-o-o! Rick Grimes: Howdy. Al Capone: Hello. Doctor Who: What exactly are we doing here? Al Capone: Beats me. Rick Grimes: We’ve been sitting here for an hour. Cleopatra: Only an hour? Feels like years. Doctor Who: Sounds fun. Rick Grimes: I’ve had worse. Cleopatra: Meh, beats asps. Al Capone: I miss my boys back at home. I hope they’re doing fine. Doctor Who: Father? Al Capone: Nah, gang members. I haven’t met that special lady, anyways. Cleopatra: Not that he could have a family with that syph- Al Capone: Why do you like bringing that up? Rick Grimes: People like repeating stuff they’re interested in. Cleopatra: Ugh, please. (Confessional) Rick Grimes: Cleopatra isn’t agreeing, but she knows it’s true. She’s in denial…heh, denial, the Nile. I am so clever…man, this game is ruining me already. Doctor Who: Well…shall we tell some tales? I have one about- *Raphael and Donatello dart down the hill, Raphael screaming like a girl* Raphael: DON’T KILL ME! AUGH! Donatello: Raphael, calm down! Raphael: Gotcha guys. Doctor Who: Excuse me? I was not fooled. Rick Grimes: What’re you supposed to be screamin’ at, anyways? Raphael: Stop ruining my fun. Donatello: Pardon my friend, he’s got some age issues. Rick Grimes: So, what’s your name? Donatello: Well, I’m- Raphael: My name’s Raphael, but ladies can call me “Sexy Times Guru”. *Raphael winks at Cleo* Cleopatra: Ew. I have taste, thank you. Rick Grimes: You know what they say about the boy who cries wolf, Raphael. Raphael: I didn’t scream “wolf”, grandpa. Donatello: That’s just an expre- Doctor Who: What are we supposed to do?!? Donatello: They said somethin- Al Capone: For the last time, Doc, we have no fuckin’ clue. There’s nothing here to do with some stupid cabins. We’re stuck. Cleopatra: I hope the cabins have heating. Donatello: I doubt tha- Nikola Tesla: Salutations. *The 6 turn to see Tesla, with a Quetzalcoatl, reigned up like a tamed horse, standing next to him.* Al Capone: What the hell is that? Donatello: It’s a- Nikola Tesla: It’s a Quetzalcoatl, but I call her Acey. Doctor Who: I get it. Nikola Tesla: Sure you do. Cleopatra: So, do you know what we’re supposed to do? Nikola Tesla: Nope, no clue. I’m just aerial survey. There’s 5 of you here, right? Just reporting to Peter and Lloyd. Donatello: Actually, there- Cleopatra: Yes. Nikola Tesla: Alright. See you! *Tesla and the large beast take off to the other end of the hills.* Raphael: So, who wants to hear me sing with fart noises? Donatello: Not me… *Donatello walks off towards a patch of woods. The scene then cuts to Hillary Clinton jogging up a path along one of the many hills.* Hillary Clinton (to herself): Alright, I can do this… I just need to pace myself. No need to rush myself… Sarah Palin: *shoves her aside as she runs up the path* Out of the way, moose! Hillary Clinton: *stumbles a bit before chasing after her* What’s your problem?! Sarah Palin: I already have enough beef with you as it is after 2008. I don’t need you trying to cost me my chances of victory again! Hillary Clinton: Look, I’m not here to make enemies. I just want a fair, clean competition with everyone. I don’t even care about how far I end up making it. Sarah Palin: Oh, please, this show is called Total Drama ERB. You’re expecting “fair and clean”? Hillary Clinton: Not really. I’ve seen the last season. And this colorful cast will doesn’t seem to be too different. But I’m sure, learning from past mistakes, that the right will overcome the lesser, and those with malicious intentions will be the first to go. Sarah Palin: Ugh. Just stay out of my way. I finally get another chance at that grand prize, don’tcha know, and I won’t let you, nor anyone else, mess it up for me. Hillary Clinton: Geez, looks like someone is taking this too seriously. Sarah Palin: I can say for certain that you not taking this seriously enough will be your downfall. Hillary Clinton: Your reasoning behind that seems to be flawed. Sarah Palin: Excuse me? Hillary Clinton: You assume that I do not take this seriously. By all means, I do. I will put forth all of my effort into getting as far as I can make it. You, on the other hand, seem to be taking it too far and intent on getting quite a number of people out. It’s easy to speculate that you still have resentment towards Joan of Arc due to your harsh, uncalled for attitude towards her early on last- Sarah Palin: Don’t act as if it was my fault! He didn’t know his place! Hillary Clinton: Keep this up, and I assure that you will be eliminated early once more. Sarah Palin: Just stay out of my way. *runs ahead of her* Hillary Clinton: Sheesh, she’s stubborn… *Hillary Clinton resumes jogging as Sarah Palin scurries ahead along the path, before stopping as a voice calls out to her.* John Lennon: Hey, there, lady! *John Lennon comes crawling out from the side of the hill through a hole.* Hillary Clinton: Have you been digging your way through? John Lennon: Indeed I have, with just this spoon of mine. *holds up a fork* Hillary Clinton: That’s not even possible. …nor is that even a spoon. John Lennon: Or is it? You never know… *Lennon walks backwards into the woods* Hillary Clinton: No, I’m pretty sure that’s a fork…wait, where’d he go? (Confessional) Hillary Clinton: The people here aren’t exactly my niche…but I’m sure I’ll find someone I like eventually. I have to if I want to make it far. *Soon, Princess Peach, Joan of Arc, and Bob Ross find their way down along the path, crossing with Hillary Clinton whom is going the other way.* Hillary Clinton: Oh, hey. Joan of Arc: Hey. There a reason you’re suddenly turning around? Hillary Clinton: …no? I’m heading in the right direction. Haven’t changed course since I began walking. Princess Peach: Wait, what? Does that mean… Bob Ross: We’ve been going the wrong way for a while now, man… I knew we should’ve followed after my bro. Joan of Arc: Then why didn’t you? He just suddenly disappeared on us without a word anyways. Bob Ross: I did try to tell you we should follow him… Hillary Clinton: Actually, I just- Joan of Arc: Whatever. Come on, you two, let’s turn around. Don’t know how long we’ve been walking this way, so it may take a while. Hillary Clinton: Probably not too long, presuming how far it must’ve taken you to get as far as you did and turn around before John Lennon surfaced after his digging, combined with the fact that- Joan of Arc: Do you wanna join us or not? Hillary Clinton: I suppose, sure. *The scene cuts to Mr. T and Lady Gaga at the top of a hill.* Lady Gaga: We’re almost there… I think I can see the end over the next few hills. Mr. T: Are ya sure that you’ll be okay walking, Lady Gaga? It’s quite a long ways… I wouldn’t mind carrying you. Lady Gaga: Of course! We may be good friends, but you don’t always need to help me. I’m fine. (Confessional) Mr. T: … ''*sniffles*'' Marilyn Monroe: *leans on Mr. T’s side* Oh, big boy, I certainly wouldn’t mind if you carried m- oh, gross, it’s you. Mr. T: Oh! Ms. Monroe! I’m really glad that we could- Marilyn Monroe: Cram it. I had enough of you last season. I need a real ''man, one who knows my needs. You’re too proper for me to ever like. Mr. T: B-but, I- Lady Gaga: Wow. Do you really need to act so crude, Monroe? All he did was act nice for you. He did nothing but try to assist you up until your elimination last season. Why can’t you just accept that not every man is openly sexual like you are? Marilyn Monroe: I only signed up in hopes of meeting the right man, anyways. I couldn’t care less about the money. Mr. T: Do we really need to- Lady Gaga: Well, that’s all and well good for you, but do you really need to berate this sweet and gentle friend of mine because of it? Mr. T: Guys, really, we’re kind of wasting time by- Marilyn Monroe: He was abusive of me, and not in the way I like. Lady Gaga: Ew. Marilyn Monroe: You have your interests, I have mine. Lady Gaga: You don’t need to be so- ''*Mr. T suddenly grabs Lady Gaga and Marilyn Monroe by the arms and roughly drags them along with him.* Mr. T: I pity the fools who don’t listen ta Clubber Lang! Time ta get a move on, suckas! Marilyn Monroe: Oh, my, so straightforward… Lady Gaga: Oh, brother. *The scene cuts to Gorgo and Wallace crossing the final hill* William Wallace: This is a load of shite! Leonidass isn’t here to pester! Gorgo: You mean my husband? William Wallace: Yer what now? Gorgo: My husband, Leonidas. William Wallace: You married…that? Gorgo: Yes, I did. William Wallace: Well, I’m jealous. He is very lucky to have such a fine work of art as this sculpture. (Confessional) Gorgo: Uh…I’m not sure how I feel about that. *The two make their way down to the campsite and wait with the rest of the group, everyone that has arrived, aside from Donatello, all just sitting around, waiting for the rest to arrive. Finally, Luigi jumps down before the group, panting a bit.* Luigi: Ahh…hah… Yes! I-a did it! I beat my brother! Rick Grimes: Uhh, actually… Mario: Luigi! *hops out from the woods carrying a bundle of firewood* You-a made it! Luigi: But…b-but I…awww… *Luigi slumps down to the ground as Mario sets the firewood in a pile within the circle and set fire to it.* Mario: There we go! Now we can-a stay warm while we wait. Rick Grimes: So, did you just shoot a fire ball out of your hand? Mario: That I did. Raphael: That’s so cool. You must get all the ladies, since you’re so hot, hehe. Mario: Oh, a-no, no. There’s only one woman in my life, the lovely Princess Peach. I had convinced her to join us in this game. Al Capone: What about you, Luigi? Luigi: Eh. I usually just end up spending the night chillin’ with Toad. Al Capone: …your pet frog? Luigi: What? No. Kanye West: *runs up to the group, panting hard* Is he still following me? Gorgo: Who? Kanye West: That dumb wanna-be that keeps stalking me! Skillet, I think his name is. Whatever. Rick Grimes: Pretty sure his name is- Kanye West: I don’t care! The guy’s a freak. Rick Grimes: Maybe you’re just being too hard on him. Kanye West: Hah! God ain’t never too hard on anyone! He’s always hard on people the right amount. …that makes sense, right? Al Capone: Looks like West here has met his match. Kanye West: Excuse me? Al Capone: Face it. You’re as much of a wanna-be as he is. Drop the God Complex already. Kanye West: …Ex''cuse'' me? Skrillex: Yo! *walks up to the club* ‘sup, dawgs? Kanye West: Dammit! Skrillex: Chill, man. Everything’s all cool! We all bros here! Cleopatra: …ahem. Kanye West: No! Everything isn’t! Stop talking like that, you peasant! Skrillex: Geez! Why you gotta snap at a bro like that, man? Kanye West: You’re intentionally trying to piss me off, aren’t you!? Rick Grimes: Both of you, calm down. You’re getting worked up over nothing. Kanye West: Oh, shut up. No one asked you to butt in! Cleopatra: Hehe… Conflict already? Oh, this is going to be a fun season… Al Capone: *rolls his eyes* Yay… William Wallace: So much pointless arguing. Where I’m from, we argue with our fists! Donatello: Where you’re from, you all were barbarians. William Wallace: …did ye laddies hear something? *Sarah Palin arrives next, arms crossed. Donatello shows back up from the woods shortly after.* Donatello: That guy in overalls kept knocking me over as he ran around getting- Sarah Palin: Of course most of the men have already arrived, hmph. At least Cleo, queeny, and I have made it and shown how real women handle competitions. Cleopatra: Please don’t talk to me. Raphael: Burn! Cleopatra: Shut up. Rick Grimes: Sit down, miss. It’s going to be a long wait for the others. Sun’s already beginning to set. Sarah Palin: Oh, you betcha! This whole walk has just been a pain in my ankles. Raphael: More like cankles, am I right? Boom! Donatello: Just quit it, Raph… Cleopatra: I said shut up. Kanye West: You shut up! Al Capone: Don’t tell her to shut up! Rick Grimes: Guys, seriously, stop. Fighting isn’t necessary. Kanye West: Neither is your face, but you don’t see me pointing it out every two seconds. Skrillex: Oh, snap! Kanye West: Quiet, you! Rick Grimes: Ugh. Sorry for even trying. Al Capone (to Rick): Don’t try with him. He ain’t worth it. *Next, Hillary Clinton, Princess Peach, Joan of Arc, and Bob Ross arrive.* Mario: Princess! Oh, I’m-a so glad that you’re safe! I was so worried! Princess Peach: Well, I’m fine. My new friends here kept me safe. Joan of Arc:'' *shrugs*'' All we did was walk. Bob Ross: And scale a cliff. And lose a bro. Joan of Arc: It wasn’t a cliff, and he’s fine. He just wandered off. *John Lennon pops up out of a hole in the ground out of nowhere* John Lennon: Sup? Kanye West: Is something up with this freak? Al Capone: What’s up, doc? John Lennon: Totally. *The scene transitions to Marilyn Monroe, Mr. T, and Lady Gaga arriving at the last hill* Marilyn Monroe: Oh my, this is a steep hill. Mr. T: Damn, you’re right. I don’t know what to do… Lady Gaga: Let me check my wardrobe… *Lady Gaga sifts through a large bag she’s carrying, then pulls out a giant inflatable bra.* Mr. T: This is making me uncomfortable. Marilyn Monroe: Hun, while compensating for what you don’t have is fine and all, that’s not going to fool anyone. Lady Gaga: Get your minds out of the gutter, it’s a parasail. Marilyn Monroe: Whatever you say. Lady Gaga: One of you grab the middle, the other grab an end. It’s a three person job. Mr. T: This defies all logic, fools. Lady Gaga: Just do it. *The three grab on and jump off the hill, the parasail somehow safely gliding them downwards towards the group. A few contestants are caught under the bra as it collapses upon landing.* Raphael: Haha, niiice! Hillary Clinton: Geez. Pervert, much? Raphael: What can I say? I admire a nicely-sized rack. Cleopatra: I’d admire my fist in your mouth. Raphael: I’d admire my fist elsewhere… Cleopatra: Oh, put a sock in it already, sicko! Raphael: Gladly. *Lady Gaga stuffs the bra into her bag, just as Captain Kirk arrives, drenched in sweat.* Captain Kirk: Captain’s Log: I have…arrived…at the designated location…and no sign of that…strange young female…and the one pulling her along…on a dolly… William Wallace: Oh, joy, it’s the monotone shite. Captain Kirk: Hmph… You are simply…jealous of me. I am…not fazed by your…insults. Hillary Clinton: Is this everybody, now? I feel we are missing some people, still. Princess Peach: I’m still trying to remember what team I’m on, and who’s on my team. Mario: It-a pains me that we could not be teammates, princess. Al Capone: Then who else are we missing? Marilyn Monroe: Wait…counting everyone here… I do believe everyone on my team has made it. That means- *Finally, Miley Cyrus arrives, dragging a sleeping Justin Bieber behind her on his dolly.* Miley Cyrus: Sorry. Had to drag the boy we love-to-hate with me since he can’t go on his own. Lady Gaga: And you were on the other team… that means we won! Skrillex: Yeah! Go team- …wait, we don’t even have a team name, dawgs. Miley Cyrus: Wait, what? I actually got here last? …yes! That means we can vote off Justin Bieber! Nice Peter: Not so fast. Miley Cyrus: What? Justin Bieber: Ha! You’re going home instead. Nice Peter: Nope. Justin Bieber: Then who is? EpicLLOYD: No one. Doctor Who: Did anyone else see them arrive? Nice Peter: This is the first time in the history of the show, where no one will be eliminated today. EpicLLOYD: Only because last time we tried this, Poe quit. All: What? William Wallace: What a load of shite! Doctor Who: Is no one going to answer me? Donatello: I know that feeling… Doctor Who: Anyone? Donatello: Ugh… Nice Peter: Now, to name your teams… Luigi: TEAM MARIO IS A BIG FAT- Nice Peter: Team names can only have 5 words. Thanks for the name, Luigi. Mario: Well, I am a bit-a chubby. Luigi: FUCK! *Luigi kicks a pinecone, which flies up and hits him in the face* Mario: Luigi, you-a okay? Luigi: PEACH NEVER LOVED YOU! Rick Grimes: Woah there… Princess Peach: Oh, my… Nice Peter: Luigi, the bush of shame. Luigi: Aw. *Luigi walks behind the Bush of Shame, finds Clone Hitler’s hat, and throws it.* Nice Peter: I’m glad we saved those. EpicLLOYD: So, Rick, you guys got a team name? Al Capone: The Gangsters. Kanye West: No. Al Capone: Yes. Doctor Who: Will someone answer me? Donatello: I was going to- EpicLLOYD: Shut up, everyone. (Confessional) Donatello: I regret signing up for this. What a poorly run piece of-''' EpicLLOYD: Okay, so today, you’re going to find your cabins. Mr. T: Weren’t we going to do this before? Marilyn Monroe: Put me down, King Kong. Raphael: It’s funny because he’s bla- *Cleopatra punches Raphael in the gut and shoves him to the ground* Cleopatra: All yours, baldies. Al Capone: Wha- Nice Peter: Okay, so the cabins…are in those woods. *Nice Peter points to a 50 acre jungle* Justin Bieber: Holy Jesus that’s a big forest! Hillary Clinton: Well, isn’t this a mess. Captain Kirk: Seems…highly illogical. Nice Peter: Since Team “The Gangsters” got here first- Al Capone: It’s just Team Gangsters. Nice Peter: Shut up. Anyways, since you guys got here first, you all will be getting a fifteen minute head start. William Wallace: What?! That’s not fair! Hillary Clinton: Actually, it’s completely fair. Considering that in the several hours it took to get here, it was every member of Team Gangsters that managed to arrive first, which is curious since I do believe we all left at once, so it’s something of a wonder how we all arrived at different intervals- William Wallace: Quiet, lass. Sarah Palin: Sounds good to me. The sooner we win, the better. Joan of Arc: If you win. Don’t think this head start will let you win so easily. Gorgo: I know I’m certainly going to. William Wallace: That’s the spirit! Justin Bieber: She’s on the opposite team, moron. William Wallace: Quiet, lass. Justin Bieber: You seriously still think I’m a- oh, fuck it. Nice Peter: Anyways, if you all are done interrupting me… Go! *Team Gangsters makes a break for it into the woods, while Team Mario Is a Big Fat sits around the fire and waits for the fifteen minutes to pass. The scene transitions to Skrillex and Kanye West running around in a frantic search* Kanye West: Quit following me, Sticker! Skrillex: But homie, I’m just scanning for the pimp house, you dig? Kanye West: No, I don’t dig! John Lennon: I do. *The two look over to see John Lennon standing halfway underground* '''(Confessional) Kanye West: What is it with the new contestants? Skrillex: Cool, dawg! Kanye West: No, it’s not! Wait…aren’t you supposed to be back there? John Lennon: Am I? Kanye West: Uh…yeah. John Lennon: Oh… Well, then. Peace out. *John Lennon dives back down into the hole.* Kanye West: Man, that man is whack! Skrillex: Naw, bro, he’s cool. Kanye West: Don’t call me bro, bro. Skrillex: But I thought we were bros, bro! Kanye West: Don’t make me kick you! Skrillex: Harsh… Kanye West: Don’t call me harsh! I am God! Skrillex: Yes, master! Kanye West: What have I tol- (Confessional) Kanye West: Hm…this game suddenly got better. *The scene transitions back to the end of the mountains.* Nice Peter: And…fifteen minutes are up! Go, go, go! Justin Bieber: Miley, push me! Miley Cyrus: Ugh… *Miley Cyrus grabs Justin Bieber and slowly pushes him* Justin Bieber: Faster! *Miley Cyrus pushes Justin Bieber a bit faster* Justin Bieber: Faster, bitch! *Miley Cyrus rams Justin Bieber’s dolly at a tree and lets go, letting him crash* (Confessional) Justin Bieber: I hate Miley so much right now. Miley Cyrus' (outside): AHEM!' (Confessional) Justin Bieber: Sorry, mother! ''*whispering* ''Bitch. *Team Mario Is a Big Fat hurries into the woods. Soon, all 24 campers are scurrying around, searching for the cabins.* Mario: Hmm…what-a to do… Sarah Palin: Mario, are you aware of your brother’s team name? Mario: No…Imma not. (Confessional) Sarah Palin: Now, it’s time to test my meddling skills to get him to turn on his brother. Not sure how that will help, but it may, eh. Sarah Palin: Well...he did name it “Mario’s a big fat-”, you see. He was calling you a dick. Mario: Well-a no, I am just a fat plumber, and-a little big on the weight side. So I-a doubt my brother would-a do something like that to me. Sarah Palin: Whatever floats yer boat, eh. Mario: I don’t have a boat…I do-a have a kart though. Sarah Palin: That’s not what I… ugh… never mind… *The scene cuts to Raphael and Donatello, walking through the woods* Donatello: I knew signing up for this was a bad idea. Raphael: Come on, man! I already found a hot chick! And if you’re lucky, you can score Hillary. Donatello: No thanks. I feel like everyone here hates me. Raphael: I doubt it, bro. You’re great. Donatello: I never finished a sentence, they all interrupted me. Raphael: They don’t know what a cool guy they’re missing out on...holy butts, a cabin. *Raphael and Donatello stumble upon the mansion cabin* Donatello: Looks like we won. Raphael: Yep. Kanye West: NOT SO FAST! *Kanye West and Skrillex pop out from behind a bush* Raphael: Have you two been there the whole time? Kanye West: This is my house! Donatello: You do realize that’s for th- Kanye West: Skrillex, kick his ass! Skrillex: Yes, master dog! *Skrillex kicks Raphael’s butt like a pro G* Raphael: Don…get into the house…for the team… Donatello: Okay. Kanye West: Skrillex, the house is ours! Go to it! *Donatello darts into the house and slams the door in Skrillex’s face right as Skrillex tries to enter* Skrillex: Stupid wind, bro! Nice Peter (via intercom): Team Mario Is A Big Fat wins! Go to the mansion cabin, now! Team Gangsters get the crappy cabin in Hell Plains! Kanye West: WHAT? I call a conspiracy! Skrillex: Bullshit, dog! We aced that hole, bro! Raphael: You did it…Don… *The scene transitions to later at night, with team Mario Is a Big Fat in their cabin. Joan of Arc, Princess Peach, and Luigi are on a couch, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are upstairs, Donatello and Raphael are in a bedroom setting up stuff, and the rest are at the foot of the stairs.* Hillary Clinton: This is a winner’s house. Luigi: It would be if you all went away! Hillary Clinton: Oh, cram it already. Captain Kirk: I agree with…Hillary. You are…getting on my nerves. Justin Bieber: Quit pausing, you asshat. Miley Cyrus: Don’t make me push this dolly down the stairs. Justin Bieber: I have to pee. Be a darling and push me there and help. Miley Cyrus: Ew! Nope. Justin Bieber: Well I sure as hell ain’t gonna pee on myself! William Wallace: Oh, put a sock in it, ya two dunderfucks! Justin Bieber: I just learned a new word today. *Luigi walks up to Princess Peach nervously* Luigi: So…princess… Princess Peach: Yes, ugly Mario? Luigi: I was wondering if…because I helped the team win…if you wanted to dump Mario’s fat ass and date me? Princess Peach: Huh? Luigi: Mario’s a fat fuck. I’m handsome. Dump Mario and date me. Also, he smells bad. Like ugly spaghetti. Princess Peach: Uh… *Princess Peach leans over to Joan of Arc* Princess Peach: What do I say? Joan of Arc: Well…you are dating Mario. Princess Peach: True. Besides…Luigi is weird. *The two look at Luigi, who is snorting dust off of a lamp.* Luigi: GHOSTS! Joan of Arc: Yeah… *John Lennon walks up to Luigi* John Lennon: Dude, can I have some of that dust too? Joan of Arc: How about we avoid these two? Princess Peach: Okay. *The scene switches to Team Gangsters in their crappy cabin, with Mr. T, Marilyn Monroe, and Lady Gaga in the kitchen; Al Capone, Rick Grimes, and Cleopatra upstairs; and the others downstairs* Sarah Palin: I do not deserve this treatment, eh! Kanye West: You? What about me? This cabin is horrible for my looks! Skrillex: Yeah, bro! This is not cool, dog! I want to speak with the managers, man! Sarah Palin: Oh, shut it, you two! *The scene cuts to Mr. T, Lady Gaga, and Marilyn Monroe in the kitchen* Mr. T: This looks functional… Lady Gaga: I doubt it. It smells like a raccoon lives in here… Marilyn Monroe: Probably because one does! Shoo! *Marilyn Monroe swats at a raccoon with a broom as it hisses at her* Mr. T: EW! Lady Gaga: Aw, it’s adorable! Marilyn Monroe: It looks like Satan’s cat! *The scene cuts to Al Capone, Cleopatra, and Rick Grimes upstairs, looking at some spider webs in the bathroom* Rick Grimes: This disgusts me. Cleopatra: You’re telling me… Al Capone: No place for us to stay, that’s for sure. I’m worried for Cleo…and the rest of our team’s health. Half of these pipes look rusty. Rick Grimes: I’m pretty sure half of these pipes shouldn’t be showing. Cleopatra: That one’s actually leaking. Rick Grimes: I don’t want to know what’s leaking from it. The smell is enough. Al Capone: Wanna know what this place needs? Remodeling. Cleopatra: You’re speaking my language, darling. Al Capone: We get all the guys together and fix this bitch up. Hell, Mario’s a plumber. Well, probably not a licensed plumber, but a plumber no doubt. Rick Grimes: I’m sure they’d offer us some supplies to do this. After all, something’s bound to go wrong. We are all inexperienced builders here. Al Capone: Don’t say that. Rick Grimes: I’m just trying to get their cameras to pick this up. *The scene cuts to Mario, Gorgo, and Doctor Who in the living room* Gorgo: This place is filthy. Doctor Who: It’s so slimy and moldy. We can’t live in these conditions legally, right? Gorgo: Who said these guys do legal things? Doctor Who: Valid point, although I figured with having a cop such as Rick Grimes on the island may get them to wisen up. Gorgo: Doubt it. Mario: They-a did let someone die on the show, you know. Gorgo: Well, that was Hitler. Doctor Who: And we aren’t Hitler. *The three sigh a sigh of relief* Mario: Why-a do they call this area Hell Plains, anyways? *The three look out a window as a giant shadow covers the house and a loud bird noise is heard* Doctor Who: Oh my…I thought those were dead. *The scene transitions to Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD on the dock* Nice Peter: Well, today’s been okay. EpicLLOYD: Needs more interns messing things up. Nice Peter: Well, we’re getting the teams settled in. We can’t be rocking and rolling just yet...hint hint. EpicLLOYD: Will the teams get used to their living spaces? Will Hillary’s plans work out? What about Luigi’s? And why has it been a year and I still haven’t gotten my Latte? Hulk Hogan: W-what latte? EpicLLOYD: Watch to see if I get my latte on the next episode of… TOTAL! Nice Peter: Drama! Both: ERB! Teams Team Gangsters: Rick Grimes, Al Capone, Cleopatra, Kanye West, Doctor Who, Skrillex, Gorgo, Mario, Mr. T, Lady Gaga, Marilyn Monroe, Sarah Palin. Team Mario is a Big Fat: Luigi, Hillary Clinton, Peach, Joan of Arc, Bob Ross, John Lennon, Raphael, Donatello, Captain Kirk, William Wallace, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber. Category:Blog posts